Thoughts

I haven't blogged in ages.

I just randomly decided to go have a look at this old blog just to see what, I assume, very interesting stuff I talked about about way back when. I did talk about a lot of twaddle, in a very long, annoying kind of way, and I do apologise for the embarrassment of a human I was back then. This post will undoubtedly be an equally long amount of twaddle, but hopefully in a less annoying tone.

I'm hoping that posting on this blog I haven't used for years will mean no one will see this. You might think it strange posting something I want private on a platform where people can see it, but let me explain.

I have this need to type out everything that goes on inside my head as a sort of cathartic way of dealing with things. I am very good at this, I have drafted posts on this blog, Tumblr and Twitter, of things I want to talk about but don't have the guts to actually make public. However, this way of getting things out of my system by typing it out and then saving it as a draft, leaves me with a hole in the healing process, whereby I feel as if I haven't actually got anything out because no one is able to see it. I have managed to articulate my thoughts into a text post, but not actually got the problem away from me, as it's still only in my orbit, where only I can see it.

Conversely, I absolutely hate talking about myself in a public domain, whether that be real life or online. I hate that I should be the centre of attention. Every time I talk about myself I feel like I have to counteract that injustice by asking about the other person's life, and forcing them to talk about themselves for a while. This leads me to not be able to use my Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Blog, ect, to their full potential, since I don't want to post anything solely about me. I want to be able to use all my social media to post everything personal and get it out of my system, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I type out the longest posts saying everything, explaining the deepest, most intricate workings of my mind, to just, as always, save it as a draft.

But I'm going to break that pattern now, in the most inconspicuous way I can think of. By posting on a blog that no one will every look at again, I hope.

I have just been thinking about the things I want to talk about. I want to post this as one post, so I guess I need to collect everything.

I suppose this thing I should start with is how I have just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. If anyone who knows me in real life does find this, you are either shocked, or you just think, well that explains a lot.

For ages now I have been feeling basically just numb all the time. The best way I can describe it is that numb and feeling sad are just like my default emotions, if anything good happens, then I feel happier for brief time, and then I sink right back to just feeling empty. On the other hand, if something bad happens, I just get even more sad and feel terrible.

I have been feeling suicidal and self harming for ages as well, when bad things happen, I just want to give up and end it all and stop all the worry and hurt and feeling trapped. The suicidal bit happens when I just feel like I want everything to be over, like there's no way out of the situation. The self harming bit happens when I just feel really, really bad, when enough little bad things have happened in one day that I just want to sit and cry forever. Self harming for me is like the ultimatum of feeling sorry for yourself, and it feels so good to get my anger, frustration, sadness out and punish myself for being like this, and just lose myself in the feeling and just, it's so hard to describe why I self harm, when it's happening, I'm just not thinking clearly. I don't want to tall anyone how I'm feeling because they will just try to get me not to do it, but when I want to self harm, it's all I want to do, I don't want someone to talk me out of it, I don't think it's that bad that I self harm, it doesn't affect anyone else, I don't hurt anyone else, I wear a bandage to cover it up, why is so bad, why can't I just do it.

If I can use the word, luckily for me, the chances are I will never actually go through with killing myself. I can't swallow pills, so I can't just overdose on medication, and I can't think of another way to do it that won't hurt like hell. I imagine overdosing does hurt eventually, but not straight away like stabbing or drowning yourself.

This whole thing has been going on for as long as I can remember. I used to feel suicidal about once a week, although not as much now. I used to self harm by scratching at the inside of my arms, because that used to hurt, but it didn't leave a lasting mark. That way, no one ever had to find out about it, and I didn't have to burden anyone with my problems.

Then, a few weeks ago, I was visiting my Nan for a few days, and one evening my manager, who I am very good friends with, sent me a message. I thought he said he was going to give me a weeks holiday, through no choice of my own, starting Sunday, so that someone else would have more shifts, and I messaged him back telling him how unfair it was and saying about how he couldn't just give me holiday to give someone else more shifts, and stuff like that. After a while it transpired that he had actually just said he would be giving me a Sunday on then a Sunday off, on alternate weeks. This was fine with me, but apparently I had already offended my manager, beyond repair. I tried to say I was sorry, but I still really have no idea what I actually did wrong. He never actually told me exactly what I had said that was so bad. He kept saying he didn't want to be friends with me anymore, and that he was going to stop talking to me, but every time he said he was done talking, I was half way through typing something, which I would then send, trying to win him back. He would then respond, even though he said he wasn't going to, and we would keep talking. Finally he said something, and he asked me not to respond, which I didn't. At this point I was feeling really bad, I wanted to kill myself or at least hurt myself, I was shaking so hard, it was horrible. I didn't want to say anything to him about it when we were talking, because I didn't want to guilt trip him into being friends with me. I was scratching at my forehead with my left hand when I wasn't using both my hand to talk to him, until he told me not to respond. Then I knew I needed to talk to someone, to keep my hands active so I wouldn't scratch at my arms, for fear of leaving a mark, which was going to happen eventually if I scratched too hard for too long. I didn't want my Nan to find out, I was terrified. I came out of the chat with him, and went straight into the chat with someone else from work, and messaged him, on the off chance he might be awake. This was all happening in the early hours of the morning, so of course he was asleep. Not a second after I had finished messaging the other person from work, to no reply, my manager messaged me again asking me not to tell anyone about our argument. I was honest and said I had already told someone else from work, but I hadn't said what the argument was about. Then I just broke down and told him I just needed someone to talk to because I wanted to kill myself, and I told him everything. He said I needed help, and it dawned on me for the first time that it's not normal to want to kill yourself and hurt yourself on a regular basis. I promised I would phone for a doctor's appointment as soon as I was home and had 5 minutes to myself. We reconciled our friendship, and he apologised for being mean to me as well, and I said I was sorry a million times, still in the dark about what I had done wrong.

So we were back as friends again, and now I'm on the road to getting better. I rang the doctor's out the back of where I work, where no one could hear me. I arranged to ring Monday morning to get an appointment on the same day. I rang up at 8:30 and got an appointment for 10am. I showed up at the doctor's at 10am exactly, and missed my appointment, not that anyone told me. I sat and waited for 2 hours, and asked at the desk 3 times, to be told 3 different things about what was going on. The first was that I would be seen next, which I wasn't. I watched as a lady walked in, went to the desk, and was told she would be seen as soon as a Doctor was free. I then watched as my doctor came out and called for the lady. I was then just told to just keep waiting. I watched my doctor walk out of the building in her coat, presumably not to return for quite some time. I then asked at the desk for the third and final time, where this new, third receptionist went and found any female doctor who was free, and I had a very quick appointment, before the doctor left on a home visit. I said what was wrong, she asked me a few questions, and then she gave me a leaflet about a therapy service, to which I could self refer.

I left the doctor's and drove to the nearest McDonalds with a car park, had some lunch, and then sat in my car while I rang the therapy people. They asked me a few basic questions, and said someone would call back within a day or two. A day or two went by and still no one had called me. I rang them back, and they said someone would call me the next day. I was back working now for the next 5 days, so I told them if they call me it would have to be after 5. The next day, my phone rang twice during my day at work, both times with an unknown number. I thought it was probably the therapy people, but hoped it wasn't since I had said they would only be able to call after 5.

I waited around at work for about 15 minutes after I finished at 5, because I didn't want them to call while I was cycling home. I gave up waiting though, and started cycling anyway, thinking I could just stop, and find somewhere quiet quickly if need be. Half way I realised that this phone call was not one I wanted to make at home, since my family had no idea about this whole thing. I stopped at the One Stop near my house, locked my bike up, and started walking aimlessly around the area waiting for my phone to ring. I messaged my Mum, who did know about it, and said about how I was just waiting for them to call, She said I should just call them and ask what is happening, which I did. The lady who answered said that they had tried to call earlier, before 5, to tell me they couldn't call after 5. Ridiculous. Why the hell would you try calling before 5 to tell me you couldn't call after 5, when the whole point of calling after 5 was because I couldn't answer my phone before 5.

Anyway, they called back the next day when I finished work at 4, and I sat out the back and finally did the phone call. It took about half an hour, but I got to explain everything, and 2 tests were done to find out what I might have. One was done for depression and one for anxiety. At the end she said I have high signs of depression and moderate signs of anxiety. The two apparently go hand in hand, so it is no surprise I have a dash of anxiety to go with my depression. The lady did say the tests are not an actual diagnosis, so I guess to say I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety is actually false, but it's easier to say like that. I would be very surprised if I got a proper diagnosis and it was something different, because high signs of depression and moderate of anxiety does sound correct.

There are two levels of treatment they provide, level 2 and 3. Level 2 is for new problems, that are not inset, and is treatment done over the phone. Level 3 is for long term problems, and people who have already undergone treatment, and is done in person. The nurse was on the fence about which level I needed since, like I said, this has been going on for as long as I can remember. She said they would call back the next day with a decision.

They did call back the next day, and I will be getting level 2 treatment. I like to think maybe it is more sensible to start off with the lesser treatment, because if that works there is no need to go out to them for treatment in person. At the moment I am waiting for them to call me back with a time slot for me to have the therapy sessions. They said they would get back to me within 4 weeks, and we are just coming up to 4 weeks now. They did say it might take a bit longer to find me a time slot since I have such limited availability, with my full time job.

So for now I just keep waiting. I don't feel like I am at any high risk, so I guess I shouldn't mind waiting. I mean, now that it is out in the open that I self harm, I've started using something sharp to do it, which does leave a mark, which is more satisfying than just scratching. It means that I now have to wear a bandage when I'm at work, and out and about. The bandage means I finally had to tell Dad what's going on. It was getting really annoying wearing long sleeved clothes around the house all the time, so the bandage was the perfect way for him to notice it.

I am glad I told him, because he had to find out at some point, so I had to tell him, and it's good he knows, cause then he can help, and talking to him about it has helped. Annoyingly though, he doesn't think I have depression. He thinks there has just been enough bad stuff that's happened to me that it just makes me sad. In reality, I'm don't get sad all the time because I'm thinking about stuff that happened in the past, I get sad for no reason. That's what depression is, being sad for no reason. A lot of the time I feel like crying for literally no reason, and if I'm on my own, I will just cry for no reason. It's not just things that have happened to me making me sad, it's just depression. The sooner the therapy people get back to me, the sooner I can tell them about what Dad has said, and they can say for sure if he's right, or if I actually do have depression. I mean, I know I have depression, it would just be nice for them to confirm it once and for all.

Is there any thing else I wanna talk about...

By the way, I'm amazed I was able to talk so openly about self harming, feeling suicidal and depression just then, well done myself.

But, yeah, anything else...

I can drive now, that's new. I mentioned it earlier, but yeah, I got a car in March, and I can drive myself about now, it's great!

I've also applied and got a place on the MA Fine Art course at my university, so I'm going back in September, which is the main reason I finally got myself a car. So excited to get back into that environment, the atmosphere at university is great. Little bit worried about having to leave stupidly early in the morning so I can get a parking space, but beyond that, it will be great! Might tell the head of the programme about my depression and anxiety though, might make life easier for everyone.

I'm about to bleach my hair for the second time so I can dye it orange! We are doing the second bleaching tomorrow, so that should be good, so long as my hair doesn't fall out.

I have tickets to see Eddie Izzard on 25th May, and Adam Ant 27th May, so I have those two to look forward too!

That brings me nicely along to something else I should talk about while I'm here. There's no point beating about the bush now I feel like I can talk freely. I have known for a while that I am transgender, I haven't felt like a girl in ages. I would say I'm agender, I don't really like the idea of having to conform to a gender identity, so I guess I'm just outside the spectrum. I have a chest binder to help give me a flat chest, and it works to an extent. I have rather large boobs. not boasting, I hate them, they can fall off for all I care, so it makes it hard to bind completely. Even with the binder, I'm still not flat, so I wear shirts that hide it as much as possible.

Knowing I am transgender is one thing, but coming out and telling everyone is another. I have told, so far, my Mum, my two best friends, and anyone who reads this. I would like to think I might get the courage to tell everyone someday, but I feel like it won't be any time soon. I'm still no good at passing as anything other than a girl, so it's difficult. In reality I should just tell everyone I'm agender and my preferred pronouns are they/them, and that should be enough, but I feel like I have to dress as though I don't have a gender. It's especially difficult since I have a full time job where I can't wear my binder. Wearing it 5 days a week for about 9 hours at a time would be really bad for me, so I can only wear it when I'm out and about with friends and such. I always seem to find some stupid excuse not to wear it as well, which always annoys me after the event. If I have to drive somewhere I always think, what if I suddenly can't breathe and I can't pull over to find somewhere to take it off? In reality, I can breathe just fine in my binder, it only starts to get a bit tight if I wear it for too many hours at a time. For some stupid reason I always think, but I have such big boobs, maybe I should be making the most of them while I still don't feel too weird about them. I really need to just get into the right mindset and realise I'm happier wearing my binder and being agender, and I should just do what makes me happy, and stop trying to be something I'm not.

There's also the stupidest thing that makes me want to not wear my binder, it's so stupid, but it's the main reason I don't wear it to work or when I'm out. There's this guy at work that I really like, and I mean really like, I love him so much it's unreal. We were kind of together for a week at one point, nothing serious, then he didn't like me anymore and now we are just friends. I still really love him of course because it wasn't me who didn't want us to be together. I know full well that we will never be together, but I still try so hard to impress him, and part of this is what makes me want to not wear my binder when I'm around him, which is more often than not. Told you it was stupid. I know he is not going to suddenly notice I have boobs one day and want to get back together, but I still try. So stupid. We talked about it one time, and I actually told him that I'm not a girl, and I was saying about how I always tried to act like a girl to get him to like me, and he said he would never want me to pretend to be someone I'm not, and yet I still won't wear my binder around him. Maybe typing this out and realising how stupid it all is might make me change. I keep remembering how comfortable I felt wearing my binder before, I need to get back to that.

I don't even have to come out to everyone that I'm agender, I can tell who I like, and equally not tell who I like. I can just dress how I like, and be comfortable in myself, that's all I really want. Might just have to deal with people misgendering me. It still annoys me at work that customers will refer to male employees as "mate" and refer to me as "love". I absolutely hate that.

Is there anything else happening in my life I want to talk about...

I have just booked myself a holiday, which I desperately need. I really want a holiday on my own, I need time away from everyone. Dad thinks, and I think, it's a bad idea for me to go on holiday on my own in a different country, so I have booked hotels in Salisbury, Bath and Wookey Hole for two nights each, so I'm basically going on a little road trip around England. It should be really lovely, I can't wait! Part of me wants to take loads of photos while I'm there and post them all to Facebook, since that's normally what I would do, but maybe I should just not use my phone for the week and have a holiday away from everything. I'm still undecided.

One more thing I can think of to talk about. When I start driving myself to university everyday, I will be in the car for about 2 hours a day, with nothing to do, and effectively wasting time. It will be less time wasted than when I took the train and lost 3-4 hours a day, but it will still be lost time none the less. I was thinking, maybe I could film myself talking while I'm in the car. I can still drive just fine if I find somewhere to put the camera, and it might be a good way to collect my thoughts. I need to do these cathartic out bursts every now and again, and I normally do it by typing out these great big long things, but maybe I could do it while driving. I could get everything out of my system and get myself to university. In the morning on the way there I could organise myself for the day and talk about what I want to get done, and then on the way back, and I can talk about what I actually got done, and how my day went. I can talk about all other kinds of things as well as that, but it might just be good for me to talk everyday. I probably wouldn't even upload the videos anywhere, unless it turns out I'm hilarious while in the car, or if they prove to be useful towards my degree.

I know someone who makes videos and puts them on YouTube all the time, I've always thought maybe I could do that, so this might be my way of doing that. She is one of the people who might actually see this. Hello, if you do! Sorry I haven't spoken to you in years. I'm such a bad friend, I never talk to anyone, so it's not just you. Now I realise my not wanting to talk to anyone is probably a result of my depression, I just like being on my own, I never get lonely, I'm definitely introverted, I get so much energy being on my own. Basically I'm sorry I never talk to you. If I was a little bit braver I would just message you out of the blue and explain all about how I'm sorry I never talk to you, it's just awkward to talk to someone after so long, so you don't talk to them, but then the longer you don't talk the more awkward it gets, until the awkwardness reaches it's peak and you realise you might never be able to talk to them again, and there's nothing you can do. I always thought I was bringing you down anyway, and I thought you would be better off without me, so I thought it was for the best when you didn't have to see me anymore. I see stuff everywhere about how you should get rid of toxic people in your life, and I thought I was a toxic person in your life. Hopefully you will never see this, hopefully no one will ever see this.

There are so many people in my Facebook friends list I would love to get back into contact with. There are so many people I met a few times ages ago, and I see them now, and I think they are so good looking, and I wish they were the kind of people I could message and be like, "I haven't spoken to you in so long, sorry, how are you?", but I never really became proper friends with these people, so it would just be weird. The kind of people you meet once, and add them on Facebook out of common courtesy, and then you see them maybe twice after that, and then you never see them again, except you see them doing stuff on Facebook all the time, so you totally know everything that's going on in their life, but you never talk to them. Those kinds of people. There's maybe about 6 people on my Facebook friends list that I would totally like to get back into contact with because I think they are good looking. It's a really shallow reason to message someone out of the blue though, so it's pretty pathetic really.

There's three people I want to message out of the blue for another reason besides the fact I think they are good looking. Three people on my Facebook have come out as transgender, and I want to message them and talk about it so we could maybe support each other, I keep thinking how I would love it if I actually came out as transgender and people messaged me saying they wanted to support me, so I always thought it might be a nice thing to do, if I had the courage, and if it wasn't so awkward talking to these people out of no where.

I remember there was a time I had a crush on someone, and they would do live streaming of them playing video games, and only people they knew personally would watch them, and a few friends and I were watching one day, so I had signed into the site it was on, and it meant it would sign me in automatically and show my name when I was watching. The second day they live streamed my friends and I weren't watching, but I noticed the live stream and clicked on it because I had a crush on this person so I wanted to watch, but like we weren't super good friends, so like it would be weird if I was watching without my other friends. I clicked on the live stream, and of course my name came up that I was watching. Only one other person was watching, so they were just there having a chat, and then the person I had a crush on noticed I was there and was like super confused like, "Sarah's watching?" and I was so embarrassed. I made some stupid excuse like "I just wanted to see what game you were playing, but I'm off for dinner now, bye!" it was so cringeworthy. This is what I'm talking about, talking to people you are not really friends with.

I have always wanted to have a cull of my Facebook friends, I feel like I can't post anything on Facebook because there are so many people who I don't want to show some things, like family and people I don't really know that well, but if I did have a cull I would end up leaving these people I have crushes on, and it would seem strange. I always worry that someone will notice I have deleted them as well, that really would be awkward.

Since I still love this guy at work so much, it makes me realise I will only stop crushing on him when one of us leaves work, if I start properly crushing on someone else, or maybe even get into a relationship, although I can't see that happening. So I don't think of it as such a bad thing that I have these crushes, maybe it will make me stop crushing on the guy from work.

I think that's about everything I wanted to get off my chest. Who knows, if it turns out no one can see what I post here, I might use this as somewhere to talk more often. I might even copy across some of my drafts from Tumblr and put them here. I might even get really brave and post an edited version of this to Tumblr where slightly more people can see it. I might even go so far as publishing some of my drafts to Tumblr. Who knows, this might be the start of me being more open on the internet.